Scrambling

I am absolutely scrambling to become a seasoned blogger. It's tough. But apparently it will pay off eventually. I don't write very often anymore, which is a sad, sad thing. I used to write ridiculous stories all day, every day, and very few of them (if any) I actually finished. Once the pen gave way to the computer, I would pour out my soul onto a computer screen. Now I'm uninspired. I can't think of anything creative anymore, so I can't write, so I can't do shit, can I? So maybe this blog thing will help me to get back into the swing of things. Maybe.

I guess I'll start with my morning. I decided to put The Band on shuffle. Brilliant idea, especially since I (finally) just finished my book (Carson McCullers, The Member of the Wedding), which took me far too long to finish. More on that later. I started off with "Up on Cripple Creek," then "Rocking Chair" just before the train came, then filtered through all the albums a bit, hitting "The Weight," of course, along with "Ophelia" and some other up-tempo ones. Then once I got to Union Square the song landed on "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down," which was perfect for getting me hyped up for work. I think I need to pick up the guitar again and start singing some of these old songs I love.

I worked really hard on the guitar for a few weeks after a lesson with a friend, playing old songs like "Don't Come Home A'Drinkin'" by Loretta Lynn and "Cold Cold Heart" by Hank Williams. Great stuff. I am such a redneck at heart. What the hell am I doing in New York City? Anyway, I really failed after a few weeks and haven't picked up the guitar in months. I'm going to get back to it and it's going to be glorious. You just wait and see. Unfortunately I doubt I'll ever get to the point where I can play in front of people while singing. So maybe don't wait and see...

I've decided that this fall, there are going to be changes. Save more money, play more guitar, get a voice lesson or two, join a gym, take a ballet class, apply for other jobs, apply for grad school, figure out what the hell to do with my life. We'll see what I actually accomplish.

This job is killing me. It's just one frustration after another. I still have time to sit and do nothing, which is absolutely ridiculous, but then sometimes I have a huge amount of research to do and I can't have anyone bother me. But I need deadlines on big projects, not huge, open-ended assignments. And I don't need these teeny-tiny stupid assignments which take me 2 minutes and make me want to cry. And I don't need a boss who talks to me about inane things simply because there's no one else around to bother. Ugh. I think my 10 months in this place has drained my creativity. Hence why I need to get back to doing creative things on the side.

I wanted to take a pottery class last year so I could make cheap Christmas gifts. I didn't do it. Should I now? I keep thinking there will come a time when I have more time, more money. And then I realize that time will never come. Because maybe I'll get a job where I'm more occupied, and yes, I'll have more money. But then I'll have to go back to school, and I won't have any time or money. Then I'll get another job. And then the boyfriend will be in medical school and he'll have time for absolutely nothing, and I'll get a dog to keep me company...if I have time. And then we'll get married and have kids and have no time for anything, ever again. Wait a second. This is thinking way too far in advance. Disgusting. But basically, I have time now, I have no money, but I'm young. So fuck it, I'll just play some more guitar and try to enjoy life.