Friday, August 10, 2012

Six Months Later

It has been exactly six months since I last posted on this blog. Half a year of my life has gone by without me recording a thing about it. But the evidence exists. I am in a completely different place than I was six months ago, yet I'm the same person with the same job, the same friends, the same interests, the same musical tastes, many of the same life goals... And yet everything is completely and utterly different.

I look back on my last few posts and reading my words, I can finally detect the sadness that I didn't know existed at the time. Or perhaps that I could feel, but was afraid to admit to. The purpose of this blog initially was to have a place to write, to think, to discuss, to wonder, to rant, to remember, to predict, to hope... Mostly, it was a place to get my head on straight through words. I chose the phrase "conquer my mind" for a reason. The purpose was to finally have a place where I could be totally honest. And yet, I've never been honest in my writing and I doubt I ever will be, at least not in a public forum like this. I certainly wasn't honest with myself. How could I be with anyone else?

The last piece of truthful writing I did was five months ago, when I wrote a very long and painful letter to my boyfriend of seven years explaining why we needed to take a break and live apart. It quickly became apparent that the break would be permanent and in May, I moved into a new home in a different neighborhood with a roommate I didn't know. I will not delve into the breakup process but I can honestly say that it was pure hell. I remember telling someone that I finally understood what all those sad love songs were about. I truly wish I didn't.

So here I am, six months down the road, faring far better than I ever anticipated. I am now a single twenty-something who has lived in New York City for nearly a decade. I am fortunate enough to have a lovely home, a job I enjoy, friends I love, an amazingly supportive family, and a snuggly little cat. I have a few blogs that I don't post on enough, far too many shoes, a pitiful excuse for a savings account, too many social engagements to keep track of, a hundred projects to finish, a thousand new interests every minute, and a million aspirations that I cannot hope to attain, yet I persist. And I'm happy. Not the blissful, smiling, jumping up and down kind of happy. But I am satisfied that I made an extraordinarily difficult decision and am now all the better for it.

I am still extremely frustrated with life, but no more so than I should be at my age. To be completely content at this point would be ludicrous. There would be no room for ambition! So I'll resurrect this blog for its initial purpose--to get inside my own head as well as outside of it. To write and rant and remember. To plan, to hope, to dream... To express! Hopefully in another six months, I can look back once again and say I succeeded at something, that progress was made, and that I can declare (honestly) that some degree of happiness came of it.