Six Months Later

It has been exactly six months since I last posted on this blog. Half a year of my life has gone by without me recording a thing about it. But the evidence exists. I am in a completely different place than I was six months ago, yet I'm the same person with the same job, the same friends, the same interests, the same musical tastes, many of the same life goals... And yet everything is completely and utterly different.

I look back on my last few posts and reading my words, I can finally detect the sadness that I didn't know existed at the time. Or perhaps that I could feel, but was afraid to admit to. The purpose of this blog initially was to have a place to write, to think, to discuss, to wonder, to rant, to remember, to predict, to hope... Mostly, it was a place to get my head on straight through words. I chose the phrase "conquer my mind" for a reason. The purpose was to finally have a place where I could be totally honest. And yet, I've never been honest in my writing and I doubt I ever will be, at least not in a public forum like this. I certainly wasn't honest with myself. How could I be with anyone else?

The last piece of truthful writing I did was five months ago, when I wrote a very long and painful letter to my boyfriend of seven years explaining why we needed to take a break and live apart. It quickly became apparent that the break would be permanent and in May, I moved into a new home in a different neighborhood with a roommate I didn't know. I will not delve into the breakup process but I can honestly say that it was pure hell. I remember telling someone that I finally understood what all those sad love songs were about. I truly wish I didn't.

So here I am, six months down the road, faring far better than I ever anticipated. I am now a single twenty-something who has lived in New York City for nearly a decade. I am fortunate enough to have a lovely home, a job I enjoy, friends I love, an amazingly supportive family, and a snuggly little cat. I have a few blogs that I don't post on enough, far too many shoes, a pitiful excuse for a savings account, too many social engagements to keep track of, a hundred projects to finish, a thousand new interests every minute, and a million aspirations that I cannot hope to attain, yet I persist. And I'm happy. Not the blissful, smiling, jumping up and down kind of happy. But I am satisfied that I made an extraordinarily difficult decision and am now all the better for it.

I am still extremely frustrated with life, but no more so than I should be at my age. To be completely content at this point would be ludicrous. There would be no room for ambition! So I'll resurrect this blog for its initial purpose--to get inside my own head as well as outside of it. To write and rant and remember. To plan, to hope, to dream... To express! Hopefully in another six months, I can look back once again and say I succeeded at something, that progress was made, and that I can declare (honestly) that some degree of happiness came of it.

Blogger's Block

This post is for Angela. She sent me a link to Seth Godin's blog post called Talker's Block. And she said... (and I quote)...

"sometimes you dont write on your blogs for like a hundred years then try to catch up all at once and my eyes get tired because you right epic posts. you should read this and then be inspired to write every single day!! and shorter!!"

My dear, this is for you.

Because it's true. I don't write anything for months and then suddenly here I am talking about weather and jewelry. So epic, right? And probably obnoxious. Sorry. It's because I've made a new year's resolution of sorts. Rather than starting January 1st, though, I'm using the beginning my 26th year of life to actually write more. I'm not just writing on this stupid blog, I promise. I mean, REAL writing. After all, NaNoWriMo is coming up and I told myself I'd get on that boat, dammit, if it's the last thing I do. Of course, I have very low expectations for myself...but expectations nonetheless!

Anyway, taking the advice of Mr. Godin, this is my attempt at simply writing and not worrying about if it's bad, just creating something rather than nothing. And judging by the history of this blog, I'm a big fan of nothing. After all, "zero is perfect and without defects."

So you've just read my short, more than zero, possibly defective, but maybe even better than bad, blog post. Are you happy, Angela?!?

Listless

I am not an organized person. I have a jumble of things in my head that need to get done and sometimes I do them, sometimes I don't, and the tasks just hover there in non-list form waiting desperately to be listified but forever resigned to their drifting, cloudlike existence. O, the agony!

But then she made a list. And so did she. So I thought, "I can do that! I make a list! I will make a list of things I need to accomplish! And then I will accomplish them! Because I made a list!" But I am a procastinator, and so the longer I go without making a list, the longer I go without completing the things on it. Damn.

Anyway, here goes...

1. Write on this blog more. Because I need a creative outlook. And besides, just look at it! I redesigned it and now it's pretty! So I should put words on it! Pretty words!

2. And in order for me to write more and not have my boyfriend tell me to stop getting lost in the blogosphere instead of cleaning and/or doing anything productive... I should clean my apartment very thoroughly. This is very necessary and only sort of got done this weekend... Oops.

3. Part of cleaning my apartment will be to FINALLY organize my clothing and jewelry. This will entail getting rid of a lot of stuff I don't wear and use. And I mean A LOT. This will be a huge endeavor and I'm not excited. But it's time to clean house. This will also entail getting a lot of clothing I've acquired over the years hemmed so that I actually wear them.

4. And in order to wear some of the pants I bought maybe two years ago, I should probably shed some pounds that I picked up because I got ridiculously lazy this summer after going to Ireland and eating nothing but meat and potatoes and then not doing a damn thing about it... Veggies!

5. Speaking of Ireland, I need to upload the something like 1,200 pictures I took while I was there. Too bad my dad has the camera and memory cards and this will not be as easy as I thought and it will also be a huge time suck.

6. And because my summer travels also sucked my savings account pretty dry, I need to get my finances in order. My economic life is in shambles! Sad face.

7. Also because I need to fix up my economic state, I need to finally be a grownup and get a credit card so I can have a credit score. This is now nonexistent. Sad. I am a failure at adulthood.

8. Speaking of getting a credit card, I should buy less stuff! I've actually been very good about this recently. I didn't even buy any shoes this summer! Oh wait, that is a lie, I bought a pair of gold flip flops from Housing Works to wear to a wedding and then realized they are uncomfortable and slippery and that I already had three pairs of gold sandals. Dammit. But they were $10! For charity! From Banana Republic! And in great shape! Still, no more buying crap, only quality things for good prices. Or better yet, just don't buy anything.

9. Speaking of charity, when I was rolling in tax-free, whiskey-induced dough, I started making monthly charitable contributions to a number of organizations, mostly those that help cute kitties and puppies and abused children. I realize now this is stupid and if I'm going to make a donation, I should just pick one charity and actually make a real difference. So I will consolidate these donations into one or two. Like the American Humane Assocation. They encompass EVERYTHING I believe. Down with child abuse! Down with animal abuse! Up with animal therapy! Up with scientific research on the human-animal connection in order to make positive policy change! For puppies! And kids! YES! Also now I'm poor. Sad face again...

10. And since I work for a nonprofit that I really like a lot, I should probably work my fucking ass off to be really awesome and be super duper professional and finally apply to graduate school for a Master's of Public Administration. Shazam!

There. That's my list.

Let's see if anything actually comes of it.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I am writing, goddammit, it it's the last thing I do. Which it probably won't be, because the Rapture did not occur yesterday. Yippee!! Anyway, I just read through most of my blog posts from the last year. (The last fucking year!) And what have I done for the last four months? NOTHING. I mean... not actually nothing... I went to work... and to some other places... I saw people... sometimes I ate food... I did stuff... But as far as this stupid blog... NOTHING.

And today that is changing. I have been too long in an uncreative rut. I haven't been able to write. I haven't drawn a single doodle in the corner of a page. I've had dreams, yes I have, but no crazy otherworldly post-apocalyptic movie-like stuff that's worth even talking about. Just mundane topics like adopting a kitten... which is not happening in real life (but in dream world it's damn cute). And most frustratingly of all is that I CAN'T EVEN READ. No seriously, I haven't been able to pick up a book in weeks. What does reading have to do with creativity, you ask? A LOT. I have only been able to read nonfiction. UGH. I can only take so much fucking Harper's at a time. I can't even get into "The Crying of Lot 49" because apparently reading comedic memoirs by Tina Fey ruined me. Bitch. (Just kidding, Tina, you're magificent.)

Ok but seriously, I think the only reason I'm writing is because I'm on my fourth glass of wine and it's only 5:00 and I need some sort of creative outlet because my boyfriend is taking an MCAT practice test and I have to be quiet. And this was nice up until this moment, when I realized, "I don't want to watch 'Weeds' anymore and I don't want to clean my room!" Because I am a child like that. I've had a good day though. I did yoga. At 10:30 in the morning! ON A SUNDAY. That is a very serious accomplishment. And I bought bagels so I could make my favorite weekend treat, a toasted everything bagel with scallion cream cheese and tomato slices loaded with salt and pepper. DELICIOUS. Then the boyfriend and I watched one episode of "Mad Men" (depressing!) and then I had a little spa day with a Queen Helene mint julep face mask (retro!) and an olive oil manicure (refreshing!) and an experiment with hideous dark blue nail polish (depressing again!) that I'm too lazy to take off (surprise!) and think I should just pretend I like (dammit!). But then I decided to camp out on the couch and just WATCH TV BECAUSE I CAN so that brought me back to "Weeds" on Netflix and then I realized I had half a bottle of Sonoma wine left over and now HERE I AM.

Note how my punctuation and capitalization just goes buck wild.... None of that quiet contemplative philosophical bullshit to be found here, people! Hell no, let's not talk about books when we can ramble about NOTHING. And about how I have NOTHING to say. Ok that sounds depressing, and it's really not, I'm just, like I said before, in an uncreative rut. And getting words on a page feels good. It feels like breathing deeply into a yoga position, like this morning. It feels like taking a giant bite of a bagel laden with your favorite things in the world. It feels like taking a long, slow sip of wine and feeling it warm you through and through. It feels like looking out your window and seeing nothing but a glowing, opaque, gray sky and thinking, "I'm okay with the clouds, because I have nowhere to be, nothing to do, and I am perfectly content to stay inside and type, type, type away..."

Perhaps I'll resuscitate this stupid blog after all. I mean, hell, it's been four months. Seems like I ought to give it a shot, right? Well, here's the beginning. Cheers.

Ladies I Like

Every day I say to myself, "I am going to be a good little blogger and write something that isn't nostalgic, nonsensical, pseudo-philosophical drivel and I will not write a goddamn two billion word essay, I will just write a few lines of non-rambling, interesting material and put pretty pictures in it and people will want to read it and then they will think what a good little writer I am." And then I don't write anything. And then when I do, it becomes a nostalgic, nonsensical, pseudo-philosophical diatribe about water or noise or boots. LAME. No one wants to read that crap, but I'll just keep writing it anyway.

So instead, here is a list of a few bloggers I admire. They are all women, and their blogs are pretty ridiculously girly, so if you're a boy and don't like this stuff, go away. I am listing six, because that is my favorite number. Three ladies I know personally and three I do not. But I think they're ALL awesome.

1. The Lake Effect: This lovely lady has been one of my besties since we were adorable, obnoxious, zit-ridden, insecure pre-teens. Now we're grown up and we're not pre-teens anymore, but mostly we're the same. Only that she is a good blogger, and I am not. Also she lives in Chicago, which is totally lame, because I only get to see her occasionally...like last weekend! That was awesome. Hey Rach, you should move back to NYC! I miss you. Anyway, read her blog, because I love her with all my heart and you should, too.

2. A Day in the Life: Another one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world, this girl is amazing in every way, shape, and form. She actually writes on her blog every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and her posts are actually useful and helpful and things that you want to read. They're short, they have pictures, and they get straight to the point. Whether she's waxing poetic about nail polish or voicing her concern for low-income mothers, she always has something good to say. Also we took shots of Jager last night and then stuffed our faces with chocolate, so if that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

3. Sweeter Salt: We went to college together and don't know each other very well, because we really only met after we graduated, but we have a weird boyfriend stalker issue in common so that means she's awesome. I just discovered that she had a blog this morning. Thanks, Facebook! And though she's only been blogging since June, her blog is consistent, interesting, has a purpose, and has great pictures. Also, she is apparently good at creating tasty food and cute outfits, two things women love, so if you're a woman, you should read it. And if you're a man, you should read it anyway because then you'll figure out what women like: Eating. Looking pretty. Done. Ok that sounds shallow, we really like other stuff like books, too, but work with me, people. And yes, that's a picture of a pug dressed as a lobster.

Ok now these ladies I do not know one bit, but I kind of feel like I do. Weird.

1. Hyperbole and a Half: I started reading this a few months ago at Rachel's suggestion, but within a week I had gone through every post EVER and now I've read most of them at least twice. She creates ridiculously amazing cartoons with some low-res Paint-type program

and They. Are. HILARIOUS. I wait with bated breath every week, drooling with anticipation for her next post. She doesn't post as often as I wish she would, seeing as her fan following is ridiculously huge and hungry for more hilarious cartoons, but it's probably because her posts are always really long and detailed and well thought out and FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I can't even explain to you how many times I've doubled over laughing and my boyfriend starts to hate me with a mad fiery passion because he's trying to study. It happens a lot. Way too often, really. I like her because she is a semi-irresponsible young adult (like me!) who has cool pet rats and two dogs (unlike me, sadly) and has serious ADHD (again, unlike me, not so sadly) but lives with her boyfriend in squalor (just like me!!) and so I like her. A lot.

2. Dear Baby: I've been following her for more than a year, which is crazy. This lovely lady has another blog as well, Stay Forever Sunday, which is also great, but I first heard of her through this baby blog, which she started writing when she found out she was pregnant.

Weird, I know. I usually wouldn't be into something like this, seeing as I am in no rush to have children and if I had one it would probably run away, but I creepily love her and read her blog religiously. She is basically the pretty, popular cheerleader who grew up to be really amazing and awesome and has a super hot, tatted up musician hubby and the most adorable baby you've ever seen in your life, and even though you want to hate her because she pretty much seems perfect, you can't because she's just so gosh darn cute. Everything she wears is adorable, everything she does with her family is adorable, I pretty much agree with everything she writes, and I wish that someday I will be a ridiculous MILF like her. I probably will not, because I never have been and never will be this pretty or cool, but I can dream, can't I? She might get your biological clock ticking sometimes and her posts can sometimes tug at your heartstrings a little too much, but mostly she just seems really nice and dear Lord that baby is cute.

3. Apocalypstick:I literally found her the other day (thanks again,

Facebook!) and now I'm obsessed. She is from L.A., a city I have no desire to live in or even visit, but somehow, I am intrigued by her. She's hilarious, opinionated, fashionable, self-deprecating, gorgeous, vulnerable, andseems a little crazy. I like this. We have next to nothing in common, except for a serious case of Quarter Life Existential Crisis (QLEC, it's really awful and someone should find a cure), but that's ok. She makes me laugh. I haven't gone through every post yet, because I just haven't had time, but since I have nothing to do until brunch tomorrow, I will probably just veg out and read through her archives. Everything I've read so far I've loved. LOVED. This morning I was LOLing (not a joke, I really was) at her Fashion and the Shining post. My other serious affliction, Study Buddy Boyfriend (SBB, which requires a cure called "graduation") then reared its ugly head and I had to click away because I was laughing too loudly.

On a side note, here are a few other blogs of people who are awesome, but my following of them doesn't make any sense at all. The list continues...

7. What I Wore: A fashion blog, which is weird because I'm not really into fasion at all. But I've followed her since (almost) the beginning and though I never take her fashion tips because I'm lazy, she is seriously amazing.

8. The Philosophie: A vegan/raw health nut and chef, which I have no interest in, but again, I like this! This blog gives lots of advice I never take but I read it anyway so at least I know what I'm doing wrong. I actually know her, but haven't seen her in years. Our parents were friends way back in the day. Hippies.

9. My Morning Chocolate: Another food blog! And I don't even like to cook. Weird again. But she's a Marylander and a great writer and we used to work together, so that automatically validates my reading of her blog.

10. What I Like: One of the first blogs I ever started following, because she is a New Yorker who is all fashionable and sophisticated in ways I can/will never be. Instead I'll live vicariously through her. But she's a really good blogger and actually posts good material.

Apparently it seems that a lot of the blogs I follow are about fashion and food, two things I generally don't give a crap about, but I guess maybe I do because I like to read about them. Maybe I should start dressing and eating better and actually be a grown up once in a while. Hmm.... Never mind about that. I'll just keep reading these blogs.

So I guess this turned into another rambling, nonsensical, two billion word post. Oops.

Resurrection!

I am a terrible blogger. It's been almost a month since I posted last, and I was asked recently by a friend, "Did your blog die?" No, it didn't die. It was just taking a nap while I... (get ready for a quick recap of the last month of my life):

1. Lounged on the beach and watched the Mermaid Parade with an old friend, my cousin, and her friends, and had a lovely little picnic.

2. Went to some wineries on the North Fork and lounged on the beach some more amidst the foggiest fog I have ever seen.

3. Started my new job and quickly became overwhelmed.

4. Lounged in a pool for a weekend drinking beer out of cans and watching beautiful fireworks from the roof deck of a mansion.

5. Worked some more, acquired more and more responsibilities.

6. Rocked out to some 90s cover bands and once again discovered how much I love my neighborhood.

7. Lounged around the house and did nothing while I was supposed to be cleaning.

8. Worked some more.

9. Got sick with a stupid sore throat and fever, in the SUMMER for god's sake.

10. Had my dad visit for THREE WHOLE DAYS while he was up in Brooklyn for an auction!! Amidst my illness, we did quite a bit of catching up... We ate some Filipino food and I introduced him to goat curry, he came to the bar to listen to jazz -- he was a big hit with all the guys and this resulted in him having a bit too much Jack Daniels, and then we took him and his country-folk employees out to a fancy Brooklyn dinner, where they were introduced to Pork Slap Ale. Awesome times with my dear old dad...

11. Went to hear the New York Philharmonic in Prospect Park. After getting terribly lost and nearly breaking up a few times, the Boyfriend and I eventually settled onto our blanket and drank wine, ate cherries and blueberries, and realized we actually kind of like each other a lot.

12. Lounged around the house and watched a lot of terrible TV.....JUST BECAUSE I CAN since I am a young adult with few responsibilities. HA!

13. Played bocce, drank delicious gin drinks, stuffed my face with meat at Yakitori Taisho, and was introduced to the new beaux of a friend, who I thought was very nice.

14. Woke up this morning....

So here I am. What am I doing? LOUNGING. I just read a lot of Passive Aggressive Notes and did some laughing on the inside. In my defense, I was somewhat productive, too. I just cleaned out my freezer. Why? Because the other day I filled a tall glass of water with about 6 ice cubes, getting ready for a nice cold glass on a hot day when, to my horror, I realized that my ice cubes SMELLED BAD. How the hell do ice cubes smell? Well, when your freezer is littered with the crap my freezer is littered with, it's easy. Here is what I found in my freezer:

1. Broken glass from a beer bottle... Explanation below..

2. Beer sludge all over the bottom and sides, from when I thought it would be a good idea to chill beer in the freezer... This was last summer. Apparently beer doesn't have enough alcohol to keep it from freezing, so it froze and the glass broke and we didn't really clean it up too well.

3. Rotten ginger. Ew.

4. Batteries. Why do we have 4 batteries in a baggie in the freezer? I don't know. We have about 20 of them in a box in my desk, probably melting, but whatevs.

5. A massive sheet of grayish brownish ice covering the whole bottom of the freezer. EW.

6. Smushed peas.

7. Southern Comfort left over from Chelsea's visit... in March.

8. Whisky, but in a vodka bottle -- time in freezer: 2 years.

9. Half a million of these little ice packs from when Nick had knee surgery (2 years ago) and all his medicine came in environmentally unfriendly styrofoam coolers with thousands of ice packs. For some reason we still have most of them.

10. An unopened bag of edamame. Yay!

11. How could I forget... 3 glasses full of BACON GREASE that Nick has been saving for months and months since he had an epiphany that the only respectable fat to cook stuff in was that of a pig's belly. I identified these as the probable source of the ice cube stench, allowed the fat to melt, and flushed it all down the toilet. Vengeance is mine!

I now have all 4 of my nice, clean ice trays filled with fresh water so that the next time I want to have ice water I don't have to hold my nose every time I want to feel refreshed. I feel like such a grownup right now. Since I cleaned my freezer, I don't have to clean my room, right?

Someday I will clean the fridge out, too, and I will tell you what I find. That is another post for another day...

Blockage

I haven't posted in quite a while, and I now have a damn good reason, besides laziness, of course. My employer, That Which Shall Not Be Named, has blocked all blogging websites. That's right, folks, Blogger, Tumblr, Wordpress, none of these are accessible any longer through my computer at work. In my perpetually sophomoric vocabulary, this is LAME. Seeing as I probably spend (and waste) the most time on my computer at work, it would be nice to still be able to take advantage of the blogosphere to cut into the dull monotony of EVERY DAY of my work week. Alas, this distraction exists no longer, hence why I sit here writing on my boyfriend's computer... My computer cannot connect to the Internet because of our faulty wireless system, so here I am staring at a massive and horrid HD screen, typing on the worst keyboard EVER (seriously, babe, how do you use this piece of crap?), wishing I had my own little laptop to type on and wishing that Blogger would allow me to just copy and paste things in from Microsoft Word. This is again (alas), not to be. It is, however, LAME.

I am consumed with the lameness of this situation and can't even discuss what I was going to, which was, of course, books. I'm going to go distract myself with the boyfriend, who is currently cooking in the kitchen (!!!) and the beautiful new volumes that now grace my terribly disorganized shelves. Glorious.

Hmm...

I have started and deleted no fewer than four blog posts in the past two days. I just started a new one a half hour ago, wrote a few paragraphs, and then saved it and clicked away from it because I was bored with it... Why can't I write? I certainly have a lot on my mind. I've started writing about Brooklyn, about literature, about food and health, about singing, about beauty... All good topics, I think... But let me clarify -- not beauty like makeup and nail polish, but about how lovely the world seemed the other day and how lovely I felt.

Perhaps that's why I haven't had the urge to write... I've been feeling all right for the past few days. Maybe it has something to do with enjoying good literature and eating better food that I can actually digest and having a sing-along the other night with friends and organizing all my jewelry and cleaning my room, and these are making me feel lovely. I even remembered that April 15th is in two days and I have to do my taxes -- I'm getting an early start this year! Right now, I don't feel the need to gripe about things via this blog. Not that I usually complain... Or do I? Maybe something will make me miserable in the next few days and I'll feel the need to wax philosophic and then you can read a rant about leaving New York and about water and puppies and all that crap, but for now, I'm feeling somewhat content and healthy and at peace with the world.

I'm also feeling good about the fact that I've decided with this blog post that I'm spelling out numbers now (except for dates and really big numbers), which from reading past posts I realize I haven't been doing. Stylistically, that is a big no-no, and I'm happy when I can modify and solidify my writing style. Perhaps I should go with AP style and only do that with numbers under 10...or ten... Yes, I'll do that. It's 10. If someone notices me writing something like, "2 days ago..." please make a comment and tell me what a bad English major I am.

That is all.

The Challenge

Thus begins Blog Challenge 2010, in which Rachel and I compete to blog the most. The only rule is that we must blog every day for a month, then reward ourselves with green beer on St. Paddy's Day. This will be interesting, since I'm pretty lazy about writing in general...although I consider myself a writer. Hmm.... Anyway, lucky for me, I mostly blog about blogging, so really, I could just write endless drivel about how I write endless drivel and really say absolutely nothing of substance whatsoever. Since I'm using correct punctuation and grammar, however, this might see like a really amazing blog post chock full of original thoughts and ideas and keen insights into life. Which is does not...

This kind of reminds me of the song "Hook," by Blues Traveler, in which he sings about singing about nothing, but as long as the song sounds good, you'll listen. That was a great song. Still is, I suppose. It will forever remind me of middle school and I how I discovered the wondrous powers of the Internet by finding the lyrics online, printing them out (probably not on recycled paper, as it was 1997 and we didn't think about those things back then), and listening to a taped (yes, a cassette) version that I had recorded from DC101 over and over and over again while reading the lyrics so that I could FINALLY learn the words to that really fast part. Whew. And guess what? I DID IT. And I still know them. How's that for accomplishment?

So I have now set out on what I hope to be the second major accomplishment of my life -- beating Rachel at the Blog Challenge. As I commence with my pathetic blogging about blogging, I realize that the only reason we're really doing this is because Rachel gave up Facebook for Lent (she's not even Catholic, wtf?!?) and so she really needs something to occupy her time. Come to think of it, this is probably a very good way of keeping me off Facebook as well... Though I'm sure it also greatly hinders my progress at work. That's ok, day jobs are overrated anyway.

My dear friend's shunning of the addictive cultural phenomenon that is Facebook makes me think... I'm pretty addicted to Facebook myself. How have I become so obsessed with voyeuristically peering into the lives of people who I really could have cared less about in high school, could care even less about now, and yet I find so fascinating?? Perhaps it's because some of these people are married, they have children, they own houses, they seem like grownups... Then again, some of them still live with their parents, they work at gas stations, they play endless video games... And yet again, some of them are attending prestigious universities and traveling the world and starting businesses and saving starving children, and really having quite a lovely time doing it.

It's really quite bizarre how self-conscious Facebook has also made me, not that I wasn't before. While I generally think ugly pictures of myself are hilarious and have no qualms about posting them all over the place, I still covet the occasional picture where I can shallowly say, "Wow, I look HOT." And yes, I do care what those silly people who are lame and boring, or who are intelligent and interesting, see when they look at my Facebook profile. Are they appalled? Are they jealous? Do they laugh at my misfortunes? Do they think I'm a shameless bleeding heart liberal who kills babies and hugs trees and terrorists? Do they think I'm pretty? And why the hell do they care?

I guess it's human nature -- we want to know how the world perceives us, and we do our best to shape the world's perceptions of us. We express ourselves in order to create an image, even though we'd like to think that . Sometimes it's therapeutic to know that there might be someone out their envious of us, someone who thinks we're really pretty and smart and special. And yet, it's also therapeutic to remember that you're just one in 7 billion, quite literally...so most of the world doesn't really give a shit about you. So when you post those ugly pictures, only about 0.000000000000000001% of the world is even going to notice, if that. You're barely even making a ripple...

But as small as my ripple may be, I do often wonder, who Facebook stalks me? Who blog stalks me? As far as blogs, I can safely say Hello Angela! Hello April! Hello Heather! Hello Rachel, my dearest competition! Furthermore, who stalks me in real life (besides the creepy but nice hat and scarf salesman down the street from my office who mutters, "Beautiful..." under his breath when I walk by)? Then again, perhaps he does it to all the ladies who saunter past. And he can't really be stalking me if he doesn't move, just stands at his post. I suppose I've answered my own question...real life stalkers: 0. I think I'm ok with that.

But what about the others... Who is looking at my Facebook pictures today and what are they thinking? Why do they care about me? Then again, why do I care about peering into the lives of people I barely knew years ago and know even less now? The eternal questions linger...

So much for blogging about blogging. I guess "keen insights into life" aren't so hard after all.